I fade in and out like a radio station....

I've had some good luck this week in SNG's - think I took my 50 buck BR up to about 180 in about 20 games....4 1st, and almost as many 2nds and 3rds... -

I'm only down 300 for the yr. now in them...LOL - about 30 more and I'll be golden -

RB

I have found out the girl I broke up with a couple months ago and was sorta hoping to patch things back up with is seeing someone else....

guess I should be happy and sad... - with my luck I'll only get half....

ah well...

RB

well, time to recommit myself to sobrity... - took three plunges last week, and that was 3 too many...so I've gone back to the smartrecovery.org website and am asking them what tools I can use at midnight when I'm bored/lonely out of my fucking mind and want a few shots to mellow the mind.

I think too much (last girl I dated said she thought I drank to slow my thoughts down to a speed everyone else uses) - and I sit up at 4am too much - and it'll get worse with the onset of winter and the night shift job....ah well.

I'm a little sad this controls me and not the other way around....I hated yesterday, wanting to go see a musician in town (Matthew Ryan) and realizing if I did, I'd probably get plowed off my ass...I hate making choices like that and having to make them - I hate seeing people I admire and some I work with who it takes everything from and knowing I could be just like them....and I REALLY hate people who can drink and it doesn't control them....they can alter their mood and stop where I'm blitzing myself to my gourd...

ah well... - In poker news, I've had a surprising streak with those SNG's - 13 games - 3 firsts, two 2nds, and two 3rds... - this is good...it puts the BR back into the tolerable category for awhile.... the 2+2 advice at http://tinyurl.com/6737l is really good - although it's designed for a bit faster tourneys, it's still applicable to Pokerstars....

I've also been doing some analysis of my poker game stats - and it's interesting...the 4 games I've show the most hrs. in and the most loss, well, truth is, it's really only about 1 BB/hr...which means I've got a tiny, tiny hole that needs plugging...I"m thinking it's my not raising hands like top pair decent kicker - I want other folks money in there, but then they're getting pot odds to run me down, and I bitch about that a lot lately...

I am about 2 weeks from my first paycheck....can't wait to get the good night shift money rolling in... - Once I was a rich guy as a contractor...actually broke 6 figures one year, and I won't do that again, but I'm a hell of a lot closer then I've ever been with a regular job b4 - so thank god....

first up....I'm getting me a comfy recliner...sitting on that futon is a fucking drag....

RB

spending most of the afternoon playing 1 table SNG's - (one at a time...cuts into profits, but keeps the brain going) - been reading the 2+2 rules for SNG's - and they seem to be working as I've taken a 3rd and 1st so far today.

funny...I'm not really scared of dying, but I've been so fucking highstrung lately I can't watch a scary movie trailer....couple on apple.com/trailers and I can't get thru them....terrifying stuff (White noise and some other one) -

gotta get a grip on my nerves....LOL -

RB

new rule...

anything posted after falling off the wagon gets deleted :)

as it is, I feel better today, but I've got to find distractions for midnight when I can't go anywhere or do anything for 7 hrs till I fall asleep...

my mind becomes rational again....Gawd...dont know how I'm gonna make it thru winter...can't go for walks and can't chill outside near the lake...that's painful stuff then...

RB

I am definately in the throes of a "slump" - lots of performances where I'll make the top 20% of a tourney, but not the money....or I'll come out of the gate full throttle only to languish for 2 hrs as my chips are stolen by blind steals (mine get repopped) - or by hands that don't come in...

ah well...If I blow my online bankroll, I'm off for a couple weeks...there's a transition between contractor paychecks and the first real ones, and I don't feel like playing on credit -

it's kind of a bummer about the new job...lots of money...but no one really to share it - half the fun of being upper middle class is buying things for the sweeties...

count on me to find the fucking negative on everything.....screw it...-hookers and blackjack, baby.

RB

holy shit....

stayed up till 4am last night to prepare for my first overnight shift, but I woke up at 9am and couldn't fall back asleep or nap today.. -

so it's 1:30 am and I'm here till 7am and I am fucking dying.....ach...

it'll take a bit to get used to nights....holy shit, does my head and eyes hurt right now...

RB

hola crew......

I HOPE no one is disappointed...but yah... - Whiskeytown blew it.

I think I had 7 or 8 weeks without booze - and a friend invited me out to celebrate my new job, and I think I did 7 shots in 3 or 4 hrs....

I was just so fucking lonely....all the fucking time, even around people...and I just needed to be around friends....even if they drank and I did...

maybe it'll be an every 8 weeks thing which is fine...or just when my friends call (which will be a lot less when adam's gf/screw buddy shows up next week... - but for whatever reasons...my own, or someone else's, I just didn't wanna be the sad guy alone in front of a computer screen...

Jay Farrer once wrote "Too Much Living is no Way to Die" - but you know...too much dying is no way to live either......

"loose string....find the pieces don't fit in..."

RB

totally lost it at the Canterbury $100 NL

630 players...got involved early with AJ (3rd hand) and had to lay it down to an all in post flop (when I hit the A and checkraised) - only to find he had AJ too

then I got chipped down a bit....took a raise with KQ suited...made an all-in play at the pot only to run into AA -

I was the amateur of reknown that day...gone in 45 min.

on a subnote - biggest tourney Canterbury ever had...wild...

RB

Just watched "The Girl Next Door" with Elisha Cuthbert - goddamn.....I need a girl like that (one to challenge me...not a porn star...though Elisha can run me thru the ringer anytime..)

just died 288th in the 10 buck rebuy...one of those all in's with AK from the SB only to get repopped in the BB (hate that...) - knew I could get the other two out...but I was looking at KK in that BB - I was on a hell of a run too...up to 25K by the 2nd hr...

they offered me the job...almost a 50 percent raise, which basically means I'm in good shape for yrs...could start a family and buy a house if I had the will to attract the one or possess the other

it's not midnight yet...I could run to a bar and play happyhour with all the other lusers...but I won't. - but i don't wanna be inside....maybe I'll go for a drive with the window down....

-------------
Happy Hour - Matthew Ryan.

Well, the clocks are quiet, little Joe's in jail
He got stopped late Sunday, piss drunk and orn'ry, took a swing, no bail
And Clyde only smiles when Mary Anne is here
You know, she married too young to a poor anyone, for money, for fear

It's happy hour - the music is loud
It's happy hour - tell a joke, light a smoke, just let the day go for now

Now things aren't the same since Toby was killed
For a while we assumed he got fed up and moved for his dream in Nashville
But we're all moving targets and it's all for sale
Either a pearl shaped pill is killing your will or you're tooth and nail

It's happy hour - the music is loud
It's happy hour - tell a joke, light a smoke, just let the years go for now
Just let the years go for now

Now it's barely dark out but it's falling light
Maybe I should go, settle in at home, I could sit and write all night
But I've got trouble that don't let me move
If you had everything you wished for, then what would you live for and what would you lose?

It's happy hour - the voices get louder
It's happy hour - tell a joke, light a smoke, just let your dreams go for now
Just let your dreams go for now

the guy who busted my KK with J/10 went on cut the deal with the final 6 - (deal was cut based on chip count, and he was 3rd, but he finished in 4th, I see...)

ah well...maybe he was smarter then I thought.

----------------

listening to Matthew Ryan's "Concussion" - darkest album I've ever heard...I usually only listened to it on cold winter drives at 6am on my way into work when I was half suicidal...

but now it just sorta soots the mood - two poker games (the PS 20 buck PL/NL double header) and some candles lit - no lights... - now all I need is the whiskey...:)

maybe if I don't get the job... - hopefully not... - I wanted it tonight tho...probalby a good think I'm not dating that singer...I'd follow her into a bar and put anything in the glass she wanted. - but then, nothing wrong with that.

RB

ach...

won a 3rd seat for the $215 - got KK in the 5th round...raised...and was called by J/10 who flopped trips to catch me off guard and snap me off...;

I feel like one of those dogs who you see who are mean all the time cause they were abused too much...and all you can really do is shoot em... - they could have been nice, but repeated abuse made them real angry -

lately I feel like I'm becoming like that...too many beatings in life/love/job/poker and not enough kindness - I'm very close to becoming one of those forever angry assholes -

RB

I'm gonna let you guys in on a little secret...

I'm scared fucking shitless right now....

I took 2 weeks off to visit/spend time with family - that's two weeks of no pay - if they had told me they'd be letting me go in 3 weeks, I wouldn't have done it...I got fucked there....badly.

quite frankly, unless I use a credit card, I can't afford to pay rent this month, and I've got maybe 2-3 months I can put on that....

even if I didn't get the full time job, I was planning on being employed till Xmas...now I have shit happening. -

and I don't have the full time job yet - I could be fucked right up the ass and not know it yet.

I can't play poker for a living - all i can do is not deposit anymore money online and take the $300 I have left and squeak out some cash or go bust with it...

and unemployment doesnt' kick in for 3 weeks, and even then, It'll barely make monthlys - (guess that missionary family I was supporting is shit out of luck) -

son of a bitch....I can't do it

droppped $100 in live game money last night (most of it when AA hit JJ) and I have 350 in my poker bankroll - 215 of it tied up in today's tourney -

in fact, I've dropped $533 in my last 9 sessions...It's a hole I just can't seem to plug no matter how hard I try -

but I can't play the $215 - I've cashed it out...oldest rule is this - don't throw it all on one game.

SO, I will play some cheap tourneys and a couple more satellites, and IF I win a 3rd seat, I'm in....

If not, I'll take my $150 tourney dollars I have left and put them to good use elsewhere... and until further notice...no more ring games...period.

damn...hate doing it this way...but no choice....

RB

another satellite in 30 min...I could use the heater and the practice.

been watching the movie Tombstone - and I think if I am ever asked who my favorite poker player is, I'm gonna say "Doc. Holliday"

not sure how accurate Val's job is, but I guess Doc. was a southern gentleman, educated, and very close to what he portrays in the movie.

I love those lines...
-------------------------------
Johnny Ringo : And you must be Doc Holliday.
Doc Holliday : That's the rumor.
Johnny Ringo : You retired, too?
Doc Holliday : Not me. I'm in my prime.
Johnny Ringo : Yeah, you look it.
Doc Holliday : And you must be Ringo. Look, Darling, Johnny Ringo. The Deadliest pistoleer since Wild Bill, they say. What do you Think, darling? Should I hate him?
Kate: You don't even know him.
Doc Holliday : Yes, but there's just something About him. Something around the eyes, I don't know, reminds me Of... me. No. I'm sure of it, I Hate him.
---------------------------------
Doc Holliday : I have not yet begun to defile myself.
---------------------------------
Doc Holliday : It's true, you are a good woman. Then again, you may be the antichrist.
---------------------------------
Johnny Ringo : My fight's not with you, Holliday.
Doc Holliday : I beg to differ, sir. We started a game we never got to finish. "Play For Blood" - remember?
Johnny Ringo : Oh that. That was just foolin' about.
Doc Holliday : I wasn't.
---------------------------------

love it all to hell and back...

I've won two $215 seats this week to the Tourney on Pokerstars on Sun. I cashed the first one, converted $55 of them to $85 in real money with one tourney, blew about $50, and won another satellite with $31 - $75 left over...LOL

I'm gonna keep the 2nd one - I NEED to win some big money just to be safe, and quite frankly, I'm good enough to make the money in that damned thing - No luck last 3 times I've tried, but I'm good enough, and I'm gonna try again.

read some tourney books today trying to get a feel for tomorrow and Tues...I've been on a good tourney run overall - profitable enough to justify the bigger gamble with a satellite seat.

RB

Canterbury on a Friday night 4/8 holdem - I get KK in EP and raise - get 3 callers, a reraise, I make it 4 bets, and it gets to 5 - capped 4 ways.

flop comes Kc 7s 3s - I get it up to 3 bets on the flop before two players call

turn 8d - one bet apiece

river - 10c - ok...no flush whew.. - I bet - kid in seat 9 - (who tried to be ultra cool earlier with his poker hat and shades) makes it 2 - I make it 3 - he's at 4.

I'd like to think he called 5 bets preflop with 10/10 - but I know better...and just call the 4th

He turnes over 6s 9s for a rivered st8 - and goes on justifing how he had 17 outs and too much money in the pot - ignoring the dumbass move of going 5 bets with 69 -

and all I want to do is kill him. And I am not being overdramatic - I wanted to go over and nail him in the face as hard as I could - I wanted to beat this little shit to a fucking pulp and take the $250 pot that was mine and walk away....

so I take my last $95 and leave - I am steaming too badly to keep playing - and I'm not sure I can restrain myself from just calling him a motherfucker over and over - I am on mega serious tilt and am actually very prone to physical and verbal abuse....so I leave.

and shout fuck about 20 times in the car on the way home.

all fucking poker shits who don't know a good hand from their ass should die....from paper cuts inflicted by poker cards.... I hope he knocks up a 19 year old, has to get married, and spends the rest of his life working the checkout aisle at walmart....

fuckhead....

RB

I have been informed that my company can't afford two contractors (they kept two on when they thought I was going to nights)

now they're overbudget - so till I get the offer letter...I'm unemployed -

gotta love it

RB

I was going to create a livejournal account to reply to Paul Phillips' comments -

and there's already a whiskeytown on there - one of a girl named sarah

that's what happens when you use a live band for an online poker name....sonfoabiethch.....

or as is heard in poker frequently these days .... DDDDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

RB

went to see a friend's band on Tuesday - the lead singer (who I had asked out once before at a bar) got her hair cut and was twice as hot as before...goddamn fucking hell and all...

nothing big at Canterbury yesterday - a day of 3/6 and went from $100 to $300 to $140 before cashing out and trying a $65 satellite (busted in 3rd - made a crucial error not calling/raising with AT at 5 players - won't do that again) - I'll probably just play two or three tourneys there anyways....unless I make big money in one...

after I came home on Tues. night, I wrote a real long sob story post I deleted when I woke up the next morning - no loss, I guess - but it did hit one interesting point....

There are things called coping mechanisms or behaviors - basically, if you are severly depressed, the idea is you do these mindless little things to keep busy until things pass - dumb yourself down into ambivilance, so to speak. (there are same things for quitting drinking - things to curb cravings, so forth) - and techincally, alcohol was a coping mechanism for my depression - a way to mute it

poker has become my primary coping mechanism - it's not that I'm sad because I'm not playing poker....rather, it's like playing the game helps me forget a few things, like the lead singer's drop dead looks or the endless drag-out that my getting hired by the company I contract for has become. It has become my sole source of communication with the outside world - and with the exception of when I'm burned out - is what I'm doing on my days off.

that's not good, but it could be worse - I'm not playing for the high - I'm just playing to not feel low -

it also explains how if this is a losing yr. for me, I'd still be friggen playing, because quite frankly, it's the only thing that keeps my brain somewhere else -

RB

let me tell ya my poker dream.

I want to get about 5 mil - either thru multiple tourneys or the WSOP -

then I wanna bail on the world - go over to Ireland and take university classes on trad. Irish music - find a small place near the ocean and tell the world to fuck off...

but not without high speed internet that let's me play online whenever I want...LOL -

it's not about being the greatest - or the richest - it's just about the pipe dream that lets me do whatever I want for the rest of my life...

that's a good dream.

RB

starting to feel a rally today

played 3 tourneys early on (1, 20, and 30 dollar) - and I made dishwater money in 1 and 20 and the bubble table in the 30 - also played another 11 rebuy satellite that I dropped after 4 min. when I got all in preflop with AA and got called by A3 and KJ, who went K and K to run me down... - (sometimes you just gotta know it's fucking futile) -

Played both the buck PL and L tourneys today....I need the practice - esp. in limit, where they play like Party Poker players - never fold and raise with anything...gotta tighten up and get my cards in good there.

and got my $260 into Pokerstars...gonna focus on my tourneys and try to make another big win to push me into positive territory for the yr.

and I've had to leave liveireland.com for greener pastures - mainly live365 and their celtic stations (about 10 or 12) - need more variety -

oh yah...signed up for violin lessons....big fucking fun time.

I've also noticed I swear a lot more since I quit drinking...ah well.

RB

one of the worst days I've ever recalled having while playing poker - I only lost $237 - but the overall beatings/cards I got over so many endavors (3 limit games, 4 satellites, and 2 tourneys) - only one real mistake I can recall in a satellite - otherwise I thought I did ok...

on an unrelated note, after being burned by serious fucking amateurs at Party, I have withdrawn all my money from that site - just not worth playing in the special olympics of poker....

took KK up vs AA twice - that'll burn ya for life - just some hidious fucking cards....the kind that want to make you fall off the wagon.

Nah, if I do that, it'll be from obscene loneliness and boredom, not cause of bad cards - but that seems to be the mood I'm in lately - I play poker to occupy time and keep my brain going, but that really isn't the best way to do it - bad for financial well being, and it only keeps me going, it doesn't really fix anything...

Jason Isbell of the Drive By Truckers said it best "Loneliness can be drowned if you hold it under long enough, but it takes a lot of other things with it. " - but if you sorta lost everything it could take before then, not much point in killing that leperous bastard as well.

RB

0 for fucking 4 -

I hate this game sometimes

RB

on the agenda for today -

4 satellites to the $215 tourney (one 36 buck one and 3 11 buck rebuys) - if I win more then one, I'll probably use it to enter the tourney...

If I only win one, I'm a dickhead who should quit playing...LOL

RB

postscript....

took 66th in the tourney (did ok till I took 10/10 vs AK and shot him a grin when he asked if it was good....should have just kept my mouth shut - who knew emoticons had tells)

so $108 - mostly dishwater....but I was at the short stack end of that tourney for almost 2.5 hrs....and had two hands where they hit a 3 outer on me..(once they hit 3 of their 3 outers for quads) - but my style of play kept me in it...

small consolation, I guess...to make any money when your AA gets no action and yer other hands are dishwater is good enough, I guess.

RB

playing in an 1800 player Partypoker tourney...but no hands whatsoever, so I'll write a bit while waiting for a biggie...

had an interesting discovery today....for the last year, I've had a song I couldn't get out of my playlist - it's an Irish tune...almost sean-nos (that's old singing acapella) but it had a slight synth track... - I picked it up off www.liveireland.com and have it recorded, but obviously, I want more.

one other problem. It's in the Irish language...so no googling for lyrics -

well, I thought I heard the same guy's voice once doing a version of Robert Burns "Green Grow the Rashes(rushes)" as well, but still no luck googling... - (lots of folks covered GGTR including lyrics on sites from Robert Burns tributes, etc..)

well today, I got an idea - I can't search for songs on CD's on CDNow.com, but I can on Artistdirect.com (a site Erik Seidel sorta pointed me to) -

so I run a search for Green grow the rashes (and rushes - two spellings) , and son of a bitch - it's on the Ragus compilation (basically a cd of various artists from an Irish stage show...like riverdance) - in fact, I've heard every song on that disk...LOL - from liveireland.com - so that's wild. and the song I like is called Amhrán Mhuinse and a sample of it can be found on the 4th song at this link...

http://store.artistdirect.com/store/artist/album/0,,2684842,00.html?src=search

so that's one good thing that's happened....

well, blinds 150/75 and I have 1000 in chips...(thank you blind steal with A8) - guess it's all in with any pair or an A - (only gotten a couple lately and none with a 10 or above in 60 min.) - ah well...

good thing it's only a $20 tourney.

pax
RB

shoot...I can't leave well enough alone...

been thinking - my road to big money is big tourneys....and big tourneys (like the $215 Pokerstars) cost money I can't afford every week, but I can build a satellite bankroll and play for them and keep the occasional entry...

hell, even I can make the top 16 percent....so I'm gonna start playing more satellites, and cash out of a couple and try to get more tourney dollars for the next ones...

and made my first one in a while tonight (had to play 5 to win 1 - couple more and I'd be in the hole...LOL) -

but got lucky first hr...got all in with A9 vs AJ on an A356 board...but you can guess what the river was...:)

RB

here's a story for you....

I post at a live 3/6 game at Canterbury

last night - just me and an old friend/nemisis - Fred Button -

I get 9c 5s -

board comes out Ac 3c and a rag. Check and a check
Turn - 2c - Fred bets and I call hoping to get the 4 but also a club

river 4c - Fred checks and I bet - he folds and I turn up my cards to show him my 9 high flush (sorta of a friendly move - we have a good story about a tourney we finished heads up...)

and I've misread my hand...I have the 5c 9s - so I have the wheel st8 flush - which is my first ever on a live table and gets me a free hat from Canterbury.

as an addon - hr. later I get a gutshot st8 flush draw (J9 diamonds with K10 on board by turn)but muck it when A's pair the board - I hit on the river and if my opponent had had A's full of 10's or better, I'd have mucked a jackpot hand...but he had 10's full of A's - thank fucking god....I didn't see the damned gutshot draw...just 4 to a flush vs a guy I was sure had a boat - so I dropped it....whew...

I am so glad I threw away a winning hand instead of throwing away the jackpot...hell - still I could have used 10 grand.

RB

well...mom has gone home...

sad but good - I played blackjack instead of poker while she was gone and got my ass kicked repeatedly - but then, same as poker - :)

I guess I've spent the last couple days in a limbo moneywise - up then down - but I'm gonna take a couple days off -

I'm in a strange place - when I left Canterbury last night - I was down 100 bucks...I could have stuck around and tried to win it back, but I just didn't care....

I wasn't happy or sad - I just didn't care - and I went home, lit a candle - and lied on the floor in the dark listening to one song over and over - (Boys of Barr Na Sráide - Arcady) and watched the way the candle light flickered on the ceiling -

I sort of feel detached from everything - without any ambition or desire to do anything - it took all I could do to muster up what my mom should buy me for a Birthday present cause what do I want? - Anything I might possibly want I already have or can't be purchased, right? I finally settled for something I'll probably want to watch soon (last season of Futurama) -

I feel like Townes' "waiting around to die' - just killing time between the breathing and the grave - trying to be bored for as little as possible in between gasps of air. the ultimate waste of time and space -

in that context, poker playing sorta loses it's charm as well - so maybe I'll take a few off -

RB

yesterday was a bad day....

typical of the "JJ vs 55" where the loser hits a 5 on river to kill my stack - can't beat dumb luck in that regard.

I'm really tired today...hard to work - I understand I'm not so popular among a couple of my coworkers anymore.

It COULD be the comment I shouted about the 2 hr lunch break they took one day....(when working a busy 12 hr shift, it's ruder then hell to leave your coworkers to pick up your slack) -

but apparently, this Level 4 job I applied for - a couple of them wanted it - (they were level 3) - and the fact I got it, and that I'm male and not female, and that I'm a contractor and they're employees has not sat well.

so between losing the ladyfriend and getting this job, I seem to have used up my supply of friends.

RB