went to see a friend's band on Tuesday - the lead singer (who I had asked out once before at a bar) got her hair cut and was twice as hot as before...goddamn fucking hell and all...

nothing big at Canterbury yesterday - a day of 3/6 and went from $100 to $300 to $140 before cashing out and trying a $65 satellite (busted in 3rd - made a crucial error not calling/raising with AT at 5 players - won't do that again) - I'll probably just play two or three tourneys there anyways....unless I make big money in one...

after I came home on Tues. night, I wrote a real long sob story post I deleted when I woke up the next morning - no loss, I guess - but it did hit one interesting point....

There are things called coping mechanisms or behaviors - basically, if you are severly depressed, the idea is you do these mindless little things to keep busy until things pass - dumb yourself down into ambivilance, so to speak. (there are same things for quitting drinking - things to curb cravings, so forth) - and techincally, alcohol was a coping mechanism for my depression - a way to mute it

poker has become my primary coping mechanism - it's not that I'm sad because I'm not playing poker....rather, it's like playing the game helps me forget a few things, like the lead singer's drop dead looks or the endless drag-out that my getting hired by the company I contract for has become. It has become my sole source of communication with the outside world - and with the exception of when I'm burned out - is what I'm doing on my days off.

that's not good, but it could be worse - I'm not playing for the high - I'm just playing to not feel low -

it also explains how if this is a losing yr. for me, I'd still be friggen playing, because quite frankly, it's the only thing that keeps my brain somewhere else -

RB