I have come to another realization in the last 24 hrs.

When I was in my 20's I didn't really hook up with a girlfriend because I thought it would impede my dreams of being a musician - my dissatisifaction with my life and position kept me from chasing too hard. Since I'm not really a fling person, I was just on my own a lot or with friends.

When I turned 30 and got the job I got, It became the whole "This is a good place to camp out for 20 years, build a 401K, etc, etc" - I began looking around for the right woman to spend my life with - struck out on a couple - struck a couple out myself and beaned a couple with accidental wild pitches.

And now it's not enough - that drive is coming back - that urge to shut out the world and find some song, some line that says what I can't - the melodies that you want to keep replaying over and over again. Whether it's because I've been single for so long anyways or the absence of tranquilizers like booze, I don't know...

Winter will be interesting - it will have some teeth to it this year, both mentally and physically - my first reaction is a violent one - when you see something with sharp vicious teeth and a manical grin walking towards you, your first impulse is to grab an iron pipe and swing - but that's a flight or fly reaction. That's not really....logical. I could stand around a while and see if it takes a bite first and if so, then knock it's fucking brains out...

I am talking about winter, aren't I. I've got mortal enemies I like more then Winter - but it comes - and kills Fall, my fav. season. This winter we'll hide out for awhile - keep reading and writing and see what Spring brings. I don't have to be a songwriter to be a writer, right?

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I've written a budget to get out of debt - I'm going to stop doing the 401K thing and I'm going to get out of debt within 6 months. - I have allocated a budget of $200/Mo for poker - this will be LL crap and slush until it gets big again - if I get it to $1500 it goes back to 500 and I make a 1K payment on one of my two big bills - perhaps by being meticulous, I can overcome this strong tendancy I have to just say fuck it and keep depositing when I don't need to.

But this starts in January. I have one more Vegas trip with bloggers in Dec. ;) -

RB

RB