Forgot I was in a $10 for 30 minutes - ah well - maybe I'll bounce back - at 1300 chips after one hr. I'm in sorry shape and yet surprisingly not too concerned cause it's cheap - my best hand was 88 in those first 30 minutes...

It's amazing how a fall day sends your thoughts back to past romances, isn't it....for some reason, they say spring is for Lovers, but I think Fall/Winter are more what I remember - at those times in life when it's too damned cold to be outside and the only thing that makes sense is going indoors and snuggling under the covers -

meanwhile, I've got one on my tail that sounds like loser warmed over. Women talk - a lot - I accept that and am glad cause it requires me to be less clever then usual - but this girl - fuck - she says NOTHING - (as in non-stop talk about nothing) - not only does she SAY nothing - she REPEATS herself saying nothing -

I hate to get into that Kayne West mode, but lately I think all the girls I meet see me not as a nice guy or marriage material, but as financial security - Instead of the artists and socially conscicous women I used to meet - I now attract restraunt hostesses who are 35, have had 3 miscarriages and a husband who beat them, and are so hungry to latch onto a checkbook that they'll consider dating me after the 23 year old at the office party (their first choice) didn't pan out...

actually, really pisses me off to no end - when I get right down to it...but mostly at my past failures - I've fucked up a couple nice relationships - but a couple fucked me up too - so I guess it's even...

I'm back in grizzley mode - (not shaving) - I don't know why, but lately I haven't liked looking at myself in the mirror - at least with the beard I can look at myself again - LOL - I like seeing something different after the last 30 years...

My friend Randy used to say it insulated us from colds too in winter - he'd start growing one in Fall and shave in Spring...

He died on us in college - weak heart valve - smartest guy I ever knew - I was a bit of a poor friend in college - was always too busy to hang out with him after we transferred to a real college with a real social scene -

I feel like I let him down a bit there, but near the end, he drove my blue pickup to work during the worst storm we had seen that year - no one drives it - but I trusted him - so I'm hoping that he didn't think too ill of me in the end...

you wanna know what futility is? - It's hearing your friend was ill in 2nd period class, saying a prayer for him 3rd period, and going to 4th period and finding out he died before you even heard the news - that's wasted effort....that's a wasted prayer...

Now on the CD player - Kate Rusby's "Moon Shadow"

RB