some interesting hits turning up in the statstracker - it appears I'm not the only one who stalks old friends and crushes - LOL.

In the quest for 0.02/0.04 penny poker dominance, I am half way to my goal - 2100 hands and I've won 9 bucks, or 50% of the bankroll needed to advance to 0.05/0.10 poker. my Preflop AF is beyond passive - only my dating style is more passive then my Preflop AF - think it's about .29 - I never break 1.0, even at the turn/river though I get a lot closer to .8 past the flop and turn. I assume most poker players know what the AF is, I even saw it mentioned in Card Player last week, but it's basically aggression factor - it's the number of times you bet+raise divided byt hte number of times you check+call - in short, if you bet/raise more then you check/call, it's over 1.0 -

I think I have a new issue that's never happened to me before - I think I have a married friend who has a crush on me - recent comments/postings elsewere made me a bit nervous, and recent song lyric postings (she's a songwriter too) suggest I was a target somewhat before I was aware of it, but of course, I could be just really stupid and overreaching. Were I a less honorable man, this would be good - as it stands, due to my religious rekindlings, it is profoundly bad - so I will continue to play ignorant lest the friendship be damaged irreversably - shouldn't be a problem - I do ignorant well.

but even during my heathen days, it was always bad - I would never be the one that broke up a marriage, even if I were interested - man, that's even one of the 10 Commandments, for fruck's sake.

aside from that bright spot, life sucks - I keep having premonitions of an early death. Not the self-inflicted kind, but just the understanding that once my task on earth is done there isn't another second to waste by my being here. Seems like 10 or 20 times a day I'm thinking this could be the day I keel over and collapse or slump back in my chair at work where they'll find me 10 hrs later thinking I've been sleeping. Sometimes, I find myself caring/praying that's not the case, and sometimes, I think it's about damn time as I prayed for it often enough a few years ago.

I find myself drifting back to old haunts, like lying on my old drunk futon (the bed I had when I was slugging back 7 shots a night, now a futon couch in the upstairs office) - listening to about 40 Townes Van Zandt tunes - all I need now is a TV at the foot of the couch and some warm Rumplemintz and I'll be back in the year 2002 - :) - more then ever lately, Townes has been an anchor. Someone mentioned recently that he died at 52 (the age he predicted) - and the guy observed - "That's a full deck" - wonder if I'll make 52?

I keep feeling like the damage is done and I haven't realized it yet - I think my right eyelid droops where it didn't before and this numbness in the neck never really seems to subside even after 12 hrs without the mouse - Think I mighta smoked one too many bowls before getting straight and killed off some part of the brain that used to do the high level mental stuff that now feels like it's twice as hard as before. - I always feel dumber then I used to and I'm never able to look anyone in the eye anymore -

of course, with 35 fast approaching, I could just be having an early overdramatic midlife crisis - but I've never imagined myself as an old man anyways.

hope I'm wrong for a little while, at least long enough to see the world go to hell and stand in the breach.

rb