on these nights when I choose not to drink, 2am takes forever to get here (bar close) - I'm trying to outlast it - so I can relax - a long rambling post will help.

I pissed someone off in SMART recovery chat tonight - I was gonna kill time playing poker, and she cautioned me that gambling is addictive too (so are chicken wings and weed and caffine, I pointed out) - but at this time I can only prioritize on what's taking my life from me, not the entertaining diversions (of which threeway sex with two supermodels is not one of, DOH) - that could be an issue someday... in the end, he or she told me "I don't care if you care - I have to go" - crazy...ah well. I've pissed other people off much worse...

signed up for a last min. $11 tourney - I'll probably bust in an hr. or be up til 8am making 2K - either way works for me - died in the rebuy tonight - (built a nice stack up to 5K and got AA and died vs 10/8 - I hate rebuy levels)

Interesting thing about NL poker tourneys - I used to guestitmate the amount of people left the first hr by dividing the field in half, and then adding about 10 - so for 400 people, I'd guess 210 by break - nowadays we're about 20 or 30 PAST the halfway mark - - this 11 buck one I'm in is like that now...

a good article from Amy Calistri on her blog - - attendance is down for the WPT Paris event and the Orleans event from last year - Felicia and I discussed it and it appears the only events that aren't declining are mixed events or other events like Stud/Omaha - apparently the NL boom is starting to go down -

hmmmm...old Radiohead on VH1 - you know, I loved them from The Bends on, so it was pre "OK Computer" bandwagon, but those curves they took on Kid A and Amenisic were so out there I haven't bought Hail to the Thief yet - interesting...

I have Rosie Thomas on tonight - her songs used to throw me in a terrible fit of sadness - such heartbreak and loneliness in the vocals and piano parts - I started getting into her after my big breakup and the songs followed me for years - I think I left the three songs on repeat on a CD in the living room the night I was about to eat a 9mm shell for last call -

tonight, they don't really make me cry - but they bring up memories - naughty ones, actually, for some reason...LOL - turn back now if you don't want to know the worst stuff -

I'll tell you a little interesting story - for all you women who think men are wham/bam/too fast assholes - here's your problem - you need to date a guy who spent time in the Christian church as a teenager (preferably fallen since then, since he won't be the most eager sexual participant if he's saving himself for marriage) - if the everyday guy spent one-tenth the time a Christian guy does finding the erogenous zones, he'd be getting it every day for the rest of his life....

and why do we put that effort in? - cause it's ALL we're ALLOWED to do - and for us corruptable ones with Christian girlfriends, we're trying to corrupt them, and man, I got close - LOL - I knew where her buttons were - no doubt. It's a throwback to the 50's (why do you think the marriage ratio is so high for Christian colleges?) -

There was a wonder and a mystery to that time - my first french kiss - discovering what good nipples are for - LOL - first run around first and second base - the first time she grabs your hands and quickly moves them up to her breasts - totally fucking shocking me (remember, this is a good Christian girl who's saving herself for marriage, and to my understanding, never got off even on her own - yah...but I was of a similar mindset at the time, so it didn't bug me too much)

actually, with the women I had been around, I was somewhat shocked that women COULD be turned on - I thought it was all just cuddling and they gave sex to get love and we gave love to get sex - not always - that was fun to find out - LOL

but I don't miss the physical part of it so much (though we did make out quite a bit), and I don't miss that girl specifically (well, not every day like I used to do - I'm sure occasionally a day goes by where I don't think of her) - I just miss what it was - someone else watching my back - someone else to explore the mysteries of life and faith and sexuality with - my first love and quite frankly, the last one at this point (none of the girls since then I was in love with, although whether by choice or by design is open to debate, I suspect I'm a lot more careful of that fucking heart after the first time it broke) -

and I miss that life - playing in bands - scheduling a gig every other week or a practice with friends - making that face in the avatar every time a camera was turned on me (there's a great one of me going at the camera with a zit on my nose - you'd think it was an acid boil the way my face twisted - LOL) - it was a fun band and I've been going thru the wayback archives trying to find some of those other photos - LOL

here's one of me in my bleach days - LOL - trying to be Art Alexakis of Everclear - LOL -



playing on their stuff just for fun and to be with people - my life took a drastic turn down shit creek 4 years ago and I never found my way back - and I wish she (or someone like her) was there to show me the path back - cause even when I was making 150K a yr. I wasn't content or happy - once I was with her, I coulda moved to bumfuck, WI and gotten a job ringing up groceries and I'd have been ok with it if she would have been -

instead, the ol' fire that never goes out just keeps burning me - if I keep trying to drown it with booze, I'll put it out, but it'll take a hell of a lot of other things with it...things I guess I'd miss

but then I can look at the other road - what if I got married - I'd have a kid by now, and all I'd worry about is feeding and caring for them - much less poker - much less rock and roll, no blog -

No Vegas - no New York City or Atlantic City - no Felicia, no NJChick, no Luv2DriveTT - or my friend Adam back in town after a few yrs...

and maybe she'd leave someday like that wife did in Heartlands, and I'd leave my little box and go chase after her, but by the time I found her, I'd see what the world was and I'd just be interested in seeing "what's around the next corner"

I'm trying real hard to see the positive side - the only thing I've came up with is in "The Art of Happiness" where the Dalai Lama said that one of the great things about suffering was that it creates compassion - (the bible says something similar, but more alone the lines of perseverance, which gives hope, etc) - I never found hope, but I remember one day sitting next to Lake Calhoun (I did that a lot the first summer) and I'd flick rocks into the water, and an ant came walking on my leg, and I flicked him in, and was all "fuck you ant" - for about 10 sec....then I realized I didn't feel I had any right to end his life for existing - so I scooped him up out of the lake and after he dried off, he was OUTTA there - LOL -

memories - so many of them - so many little side tangents - I wonder if when I'm 80 and almost out of this world if I'll smile at them or cry...

good night Krista... - hope wherever you ended up, with whoever, that you're happy....I did what you asked - I stayed away and I got a little better -

and son of a bitch if I didn't make it past bar close for two nights in a row....

RB