Sunday, August 07, 2005

ah lordie, guys. - I'm losing the war again -

on my days off, I've been waking up, chilling for a few hrs, and walking to the bar - not even driving - not since my fender bender - and the idea is if I'm doing that, I"m not drinking at home, which is when I really go on a bender - unlimited access to alcohol is very bad for me -

so I put down 6 or 7 shots - and bum a ride somewhere else (I'm on pretty good terms with the waiters of that bar and go out drinking with them sometimes) and then I get home and partake in other bad substances (although not as bad as alcohol, I don't think) - but things I don't wanna discuss here - not in print - LOL

I'm sitting there at the bar - reading a book, trying to bury some feelings that I can't bear to feel anymore - in SMART Recovery, (a group that tries to end addiction by psychological tools) we try to use this tool called DISARM where you're using your head to shout down that addictive voice - but the only voice I hear is that one in my head finishing a shot and saying "It's not enough - I still feel too much - it's not enough"

it's what I'm always hearing - more - more - more- more of everything - more food, more booze, more drugs - deeper and deeper binges - this is all I can think of - and every damn night - if I'm not going out, I'm watching the clock - praying I can make it to 2am when the bars are closed -

I'm just not winning..I'm losing the battle - and it's killing me - I'm losing the war....

I'm losing everything - but somehow my life doesn't stop - I keep on going - despite a nasty bruise on my left shoulder (from falling over) - despite a dent in the truck - despite everything - I want to stop so bad and I don't know why I can't - I have enough resolve to not do it during workdays, so why can't I do it the rest of the time -

lord, how long will this motherfucker latch onto me - somedays, I look my self, and I'm a unique individual, with a lot of good qualities - but some of those qualities are creating my problems now, and I wish sometimes I was just like everyone else - stupid, without an addictive personality, easily entertained and amused - and never bored - not dying of loneliness every day -

I remember an exercise I did once - it was rough - I wrote out a goodbye letter to alcohol - I cried my eyes out - it's like breaking up with someone you love - and I know it's bad for me - and I know it'll get worse if I can't keep it in check, and yet I still want it -

Gawd, I'm in trouble, crew.... - anyone who prays can feel free to pray on my behalf - I need the help -



At 4:05 AM, Anonymous asia K said...

hey :)

youre not alone. cye.



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