Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Ok, just so you all know...one should NEVER mix mood altering substances - about two years ago I drank Rumplemintz while on Lexapro (an antidepressant) and nearly went comotose - or at least had to have help getting to my hotel room - Weed won't kill you with alcohol, (at least not if you didn't drink too much) but it will knock the wind out of you - I can't vouch for other drugs, but I know Kurt Cobain was really paranoid about drinking and shooting up - he said that's how rock stars died - mixing two drugs..

Last night I came home after some light/moderate drinking (enough that I walked two blocks to/from - I was probably over .08, which is our new limit) - and partook of other sins, and lied back and relaxed -

I go to my room - and I suddenly had the most gawd awful feeling I was lying in a tomb - dark/way too warm - and just unpleasant - for a second there I truly thought if I fell asleep on that futon in the bedroom I wouldn't wake up.

Three years ago, I'd have said to hell with it, said a quick prayer and crashed - but despite my loathing for all humanity, I couldn't do it that night.

so I came back out to the living room and hit the recliner - suddenly my spirit felt much better - better lighting - a better seat - MY recliner - I felt at that point, if I was gonna die, at least I would die happy -

then I put on some music I bought a couple yrs ago at Target - Flute music (Native American and in general) - man, THAT was a bad idea - my brain started doing some bizarre jumps in time with the melody, so I had to kill it -

and I just sat there for awhile - my blue/red mood lights on - having read half of the Dalai Lama's "The Art of Happiness" that night - happy that I walked away from the bar instead of falling down at one or worse yet, going to another one after that one closed - (remember, I don't do moderation) -

and I suddenly got the smart idea to get up again and write what I was feeling - but decided to not do it - I went to sleep and said if I REMEMBERED the feeling in the morning, I'd write about it

Strange.....Reality has always been painful for me - for 29 years I ignored it - stayed away from booze cause of an effect it had on family members - but then I started partaking a bit - and it was good.

Once my trifecta hit (lost job, GF, and place to live in a very short time) I just sorta collapsed into the arms of mood altering substances and never fell back out - I don't go there like I used to - (no more drinking a 1/5 every night, puking, and drinking some more) - Even the early months of this journal have me going on some terrific benders and going to an AA meeting or something - LOL - but I felt so cold there -

but I don't leave it alone like I did the first 29 years either - I suppose because 90 percent of my social contact is with people in bars or Vegas Poker clubs, maybe. I have weeks I just take off - it's very easy for me to stay away from it when I'm not bored - but for some reason,

I can no longer handle the effects of Reality as I once did - it's like those emotional wounds I took back in 2002 or 2003 never healed -

I prayed/studied the Bible (my chosen faith) like it was going out of style during that time - I've got a page in an old one wrinkled with tears - (the bible can absorb a lot of them) - from one of those Psalms where the writer is crying out for deliverance -

I was trying to find something to fill all the holes - but of course, a lot of it is deferred promises in the next world - not the practical here and now - I read Disappointment with God and and Searching for the Invisible God - and they helped - I know my situation isn't anywhere near unique, but somehow it wasn't enough.

So based on the recommendation of a 2+2'er, I bought the Dalai's book last week(actually, a Dr. of Psychology wrote it but he had many interviews with the Dalai and put that in there, so it's sorta cowritten) My good "Christian" friends would be mortified - It's a GATEWAY BOOK - LOL - but actually it doesn't really tap much into Buddhism - which is good - cause I'm not converting - I like eating meat too much - LOL. And I don't operate from the assumption that people are basically good - I'm more of the "we're all scum" variety - I think the vast majority of "good Americans", had they been transplanted to Nazi Germany, would have turned the same blind eye to the concentration camps outside their towns.

but it may be a sign of desperation - can't ever remember looking to books from other religious faiths before seeking peace -

but it's interesting - it's a good read - I'd like to sit down and chat with him sometime - It would appear being a religious monk has certain calming benefits on others - LOL

RB

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