ok...so it ain't that bad...

I still feel like everything I love has died on me, though...

RB

whithered and died - by Richard Thompson....

This cruel country has driven me down
Teased me and lied, teased me and lied
I've only sad stories to tell to this town
My dreams have withered and died

Once I was bending the tops of the trees
Kind words in my ear, kind faces to see
Then I struck up with a girl from the West,
Played run and hide, played run and hide.
Count one to ten and she's gone with the rest
My dreams have withered and died

Silver moon sail up and silver moon shine
On the waters so wide, waters so wide
Steal from the bed of some good friend of mine
My dreams are withered and died

If I was a butterfly, live for a day,
I could be free just blowing away
This cruel country has driven me down
Teased me and lied, teased me and lied
I've only sad stories to tell to this town
My dreams have withered and died

the boss is gone today...I can blog with impunity - blog, blog, blog....

band practice last night had a fiddle player added - that's good stuff....gives me someone to talk to about picking it up - maybe do the Sukuki method or something -

I'm still thinking about the 2+2 game I played last week...4 guys at the table were full time pros - another couple were regular 15/30 players - and it bugs me that I'm this smart (one of those Mensa flunkies) and I can't seem to get to a point where I'm winning consistantly - in fact, my losses have increased by about another thousand in the last 2-3 months -

I'm tight/passive - not tight aggressive enough, and in a game where 1.5 BB/hr is average, there's not a lot of room for missing the extra bet -

is it doomed to become another expensive hobby that I enjoy but never make the big money at? - (a la guitar playing) ?- 

let's face it...what I realy want is a couple big wins...get a 2-4 mil. nut in place, and just spend the rest of my life doing nothing - pick up a fiddle, slide guitar, and just play music and poker when I want -

ah well - gotta plan a vacation here soon - going to MT for about 10 days mid august...hope I can afford to actually go there -

RB

I am cracking up today...my only release from my mind-numbing stupid job is posting here....

only 9 more hrs left in the day...woo hoo

RB

today needs a Townes Van Zandt song ----

---------------------
Ribbons of love, please keep me true sane
until I reach home on the morrow
never never to wander again
I'm weak and I'm weary of sorrow

London to Dublin
Australia to Perth
I gazed at your sky
I tasted your earth
sung out my heart
for what it was worth
never again shall I ramble

There's nowhere left in this world where to go
my arms, my legs they're a-tremblin'
thoughts both clouded and blue as the sky
not even worth the rememberin'

Now as I stumble
and reel to my bed
all that I've done
all that I've said
means nothin' to me
I'd soon as be dead
all of this world be forgotten

No words of comfort, no words of advice
nothin' to offer a stranger
gone the love, gone the spite
it just doesn't matter no longer

My sky's getting far
the ground's gettin' close
my self goin' crazy
the way that it does
I'll lie on my pillow
and sleep if I must
Too late to wish I'd been stronger
too late to wish I'd been stronger

I don't feel like posting....nothing to say about poker......life.....women... -

I will say I'm fucking sick as hell of the name whiskeytown - most folks don't realize it's a band (Erik Seidel did, though) - but for a while there it became a way of life, and now it feels like a curse I can't drop -

nothing in the world going on I feel like facing today....maybe another day.

RB

Last night, I went out to a home in Shakopee and played with 8 other 2+2'er in a home game.  One of those tables you don't mind sitting around, but not at a casino with a rake, cause then everyone loses -

generally very peaceful - very cool - I could see where some people could rub people the wrong way, esp. if their online persona is worse then the live one, but I'd do it again sometime.

also played a lot of game I've never heard of...some rough improvising of strategy - I laid down the best hand a couple of times thinking if that had 4 cards and disposed of two,  they surely could beat pocket A's on the river

my one interesting note was how several of the younger players were at a total loss in a game like lowball - (of course, I didn't know what a declare was in H/L stud either) - and 4 of the players were playing for a living - mostly 15/30 short gamed players, so I had a slight advantage there...

but only left 30 bucks down....not bad considering I had never played half those games b4 that night...I'd do it again....

RB

well...went out to Canterbury tonight to play in the 225 tourney...

I got boned -

got AJ vs A10 and he flopped the 10 - actually, this has been one of my worst weeks to date in terms of losses -

and if that ain't bad enough....I really miss Tara. - I missed seeing my friend Jer. when he was in town,  and my friend Adam is still out.....lonely fucking week. lonely lonely lonely...

the worst thing is, when I wasn't sure if I wanted to date Tara again, I'd listen to these songs by Kate Rusby...lonely, but an incredible voice....and now they're twice as sad and I associate them with her....

I hope I made the right decision........ for the first time, since I've stopped seeing someone of my choosing, it's been haunting me a week later..

RB

RB

well, I feel a little....barely... better... - still found myself at the Uptown bar last night when I didn't expect to....
 
gonna go out to a private poker party tonight....small tourney...20 folks...maybe -  and here I am thinking of going to the $200 one tomorrow....
 
I'm a fucking moron....ah well....
 
RB
 
 

in the time since my last post, I have gone from partially uncomfortable to miserably so...
 
there will be no poker playing for a while, methinks...updates to resume at some undetermined time in the future.
 
RB

I just got off the phone with the girl I've been dating the last two months - Like most of the women I date, she made the first move on me - (me the gutless wonder - only time I can ask a woman out is when I'm drunk - and half the time I get overdrunk and screw it up.
 
 anyways...she was an artist...pretty cute - kinda curvy (which is a good thing - sorta like Kate Winslet/Renee Zelwigger curvy - the good kind) - and we had a couple pretty good makeout sessions...I spent the night at her place twice... - while she was worried I might be a compulsive gambler because of the way I discussed poker so much, I was able to convince her I wasn't a degenerate - (didn't wanna get the "I don't like you playing poker" speech in 6 months...
 
all going great, right? - except in my heart....I came to realize after a short time that despite her good qualities, I just wasn't feeling this. Can't point to one thing - maybe it's me being too selfish and wanting all my time to myself - maybe it was that relationship two years ago that absolutely crushed me and has totally ruined me for all women for life - but for some reason, I just couldn't make the romantic thing kick in. Couldn't be affectionate - couldn't get excited about wanting to spend time with her... - the one other relationship I've had the last two years, I couldn't WAIT to see the female again - couldn't make myself scope out other women cause my heart was somewhere else - (except Jessica Alba, maybe) - but it wasn't working for me.
 
I held out for a little bit - tried to think that if I could focus on the good qualities of this woman that I would find those feelings - but it wasn't happening - I didn't expect love at first sight, but I didn't think I'd be spending two months trying to find something that wasn't there attractionwise -
 
and I'm 31, 225 pounds (tall but overweight) and grey hair is coming out everywhere...not like I have a ton of options or a fallback or anything stupid like that...I may have just blown the last good relationship I'll ever have - cause I didn't feel right about it - or maybe I was just too scared...I dunno
 
so today I made the call - spoke for a bit and said I didn't think I could do this anymore. - she didn't say a word - (except at the end to say she was a bit embarassed and good bye) - and then I just [censored] cried for 5 minutes - washed up, and went back to work. Sad to end it, and sad to continue it...
 
like my friend Bill M. wrote in a song "happy being lonely, lonely being happy"
 
RB

ay carumba...

took a dose of happy juice, I guess....

for some reason, I'm really focusing on the tourneys again, having forsaken the raked game....and placed 2nd in another sng tonight (A10 vs AJ - deserved to take 2nd that time...LOL) -

and I signed up for the one freeroll I could play at Full Tilt Poker, got to 3rd and won $100 -

horrible last hand...3rd in chips and needed to double up to be 2nd....I double bet with AJ suited...BB calls -flop comes 944 and I go all in - he called with 34 offsuit and flopped trips...LOL

ah well..that's poker.. - that's 3 for 3 in tourney events right now..

RB

well, got home...and couldn't play a tourney...none starting till 9 - and I couldn't stay up till one...

so I focused on a crummy 18 player sit and go on Pokerstars....very tough field, actually - still 8 players by the first hr...

SNG's are something else I haven't focused on as much...perhaps the lack of rewards unmotivate me...but I think it's just cause I don't concentrate enough on my shorthanded play...I need to - the vast majority of satellites for the upcoming WCOOP are double shootout satellites - meaning I have to win a table twice to get a seat...

SO....working on those 1 table tourneys is good practice - and I managed to snag a win out of it last night...which is kinda cool - since I was down to 21 bucks on Pokerstars...LOL

RB

back to tourney land for me....

I've been focusing more on raked games the last month and dying of boredom...I think I can still play them (and will play them live, not online)- but I wanna get back to the $1200 paydays and the chance at more...not the 2BB/hr that comes from playing 3/6 by the book.

so, it's back to tourney land for me....not a lot of time tonight, but I'll hit a SnG or two before lights out...

RB