Saturday, July 17, 2004

I just got off the phone with the girl I've been dating the last two months - Like most of the women I date, she made the first move on me - (me the gutless wonder - only time I can ask a woman out is when I'm drunk - and half the time I get overdrunk and screw it up.
 anyways...she was an artist...pretty cute - kinda curvy (which is a good thing - sorta like Kate Winslet/Renee Zelwigger curvy - the good kind) - and we had a couple pretty good makeout sessions...I spent the night at her place twice... - while she was worried I might be a compulsive gambler because of the way I discussed poker so much, I was able to convince her I wasn't a degenerate - (didn't wanna get the "I don't like you playing poker" speech in 6 months...
all going great, right? - except in my heart....I came to realize after a short time that despite her good qualities, I just wasn't feeling this. Can't point to one thing - maybe it's me being too selfish and wanting all my time to myself - maybe it was that relationship two years ago that absolutely crushed me and has totally ruined me for all women for life - but for some reason, I just couldn't make the romantic thing kick in. Couldn't be affectionate - couldn't get excited about wanting to spend time with her... - the one other relationship I've had the last two years, I couldn't WAIT to see the female again - couldn't make myself scope out other women cause my heart was somewhere else - (except Jessica Alba, maybe) - but it wasn't working for me.
I held out for a little bit - tried to think that if I could focus on the good qualities of this woman that I would find those feelings - but it wasn't happening - I didn't expect love at first sight, but I didn't think I'd be spending two months trying to find something that wasn't there attractionwise -
and I'm 31, 225 pounds (tall but overweight) and grey hair is coming out everywhere...not like I have a ton of options or a fallback or anything stupid like that...I may have just blown the last good relationship I'll ever have - cause I didn't feel right about it - or maybe I was just too scared...I dunno
so today I made the call - spoke for a bit and said I didn't think I could do this anymore. - she didn't say a word - (except at the end to say she was a bit embarassed and good bye) - and then I just [censored] cried for 5 minutes - washed up, and went back to work. Sad to end it, and sad to continue it...
like my friend Bill M. wrote in a song "happy being lonely, lonely being happy"


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