I've got something to say that ain't complete bullshit - how about that - LOL.

In the process of cleaning the apt. and turning it into the ultimate chick trap, I have put up a bent poster of Townes Van Zandt - I bought two and this one got a bit wrinkled - I want to buy a 3rd and put it in a frame.

I've been drifting back to Townes in my dark times - If they ask you the question about who you could have dinner with? - I think of Townes Van Zandt - My biggest regret was not being a fan when I could have seen him play - he died on Jan 1st. 1997. (same day as his hero, Hank Williams) - I've seen the documentary on him and I've watched the trailer about 5 times today.

Funny, I was reading this thing about the burden of 30 something men. We're expected to be sensitive and emotional and open, yet gentleman but we're supposed to be able to take action and pin the girl to the bed when she wants it...LOL -

A combination of that and my spirituality have put me where I am today, and by and large, I'm happy with it. I'm proud that when a woman is talking to me, I can listen to her and remember her and not stare at her big boobs - (sometimes I can't look them in the eye though....LOL) - but no one talks about that dark side -

when the sensitivity opens up too much and everything comes at you like a shotgun blast - a starving orphan in Africa or a bad first date makes you want to go on a week drinking bender, and you pretty much disregard everything like politics, gossip, and movies as "a fucking bitch" - As Townes said, once you've had the blues, everything else is meaningless - a fucking bitch.

I've been looking to Townes more - trying to learn everything about him - He's walked this road I'm walking. He started me on it, and the way he died was one of those factors that got me out of the Whiskey.

Guys like me and Townes are in general states of aloneness - even in crowds of friends and side by side with lovers and children. But being alone isn't being lonely, and to quote Townes again, the difference between being alone and being lonely is like the difference between being broke and being poor.

And I'm trying to connect with him because I don't want to go the way he did. For all the glory of dying like a rock and roller (and he died at 52) - the booze took away his gifts - I think there is something in a guy like Townes that just tears you apart from birth to death, and if you write it out, you can tone it down - make it burn less, but the easy answer is to drown the fucker in whiskey and heroin and other drugs. Less work and you can do it with others.

But before that, he left us with some of the finest songs ever heard. He made his mark - he's a legend - he was a cult figure, a drunk depressive, and a bluesman, but now he's up there as one of the finest songwriters ever. Sheeeit, Bob Dylan covers his songs sometimes live in concert - Townes was the shit.

Townes was, and is, and will forever be, my hero.

RB