Tuesday, September 23, 2008

I am rocking the Pokerstars $15 turbos - I am 1 for 2 (2nd place) but taking a beating the third game - may have go go back to chess - I just lost with AJ vs J8 - LOL - but I'm on a rally.

Man, I've been reading back on old blog posts - I barely recognize that guy anymore - I guess it's true that Drugs and Alcohol change you but I'm trying to figure out what was amplified....

It appears discontent was amplified. It appears the little things became big things and there were no big things worth worrying about. It appears the foul language of the Sopranos and Deadwood had an effect on my language which is too bad, because it becomes a crutch instead of expressing oneself in a meaningful manner.

At the same time, life was amplified...for better or worse, I burned brighter during those 5 years then I can recall before or since. I found friends, left the house, and lived with few overall regrets besides sitting on my guitar drunk and driving off a cute redheaded database geek when I was grumpy and out of pot. Those were days of hopping a plane and going to an unknown city for the purposes of exploration - of drinking warm rumplemintz and watching Seven Samurai in a mouse infested practice space because I either had no home or I had a borrowed room and didn't want to be there.

I mean, I thought I was grinding then sometimes, but I was grinding at high limits with risk - LOL - now I'm just grinding - watching the 401K rise and fall, trying to build house equity and looking for an excuse to hide in the mountains. I go to church in hopes of making a connection I've never made and never will, and now am going practically out of obligation more then because I want to, which is a bummer.

I am hoping the album changes that a bit....I have hopes for it that go beyond whether it might get me laid or famous. I believe it could be a key for some folks lives and I hope it's a key for mine, to unlock some door that I was meant to open.

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on another observational side note, it would appear I lacked the love of poker to pursue it to excellence as I have with chess. I am of the opinion that if money were out of the equation, I wouldn't play poker - (how many of us truly would?) - but I can always find a love for chess that will have me putting down 4 games in a noisy bar on open stage night like I did last night. (I also played 4 songs, of course, during my time) -

Listening to a lot of Matthew Ryan (from 2003) - I like that line in the first track "I can't return to you, you must return to me" - it transfers blame but doesn't hold back in trying to fix it - There are a lot of things I could apply that line in my life to - God, life, joy, peace, contentment

I can't return to you, you must return to me...

that third SNG - busted with AK vs 99 - too bad I called his all in on the river - but he did bet with 3rd pair - thought he had crap but was too short stacked to turn back. Here's to not getting short stacked in life.

RB

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