wow - two posts in one day - must be on crack. Actually, I'm kinda tired, and since this blog only sucked when I was sober or awake, maybe now is a good time - I've got an air called "Theidh Mi Dhachaigh" playing in the background - maybe it'll reset some good brainwaves or something.

Broke a cardinal rule and played in a 2nd and 3rd $10 tournament today. I've been stopping after the first cash, seeing as how I never make another one, but after the 3rd place finish, I took a 9th place finish in a 390 - (busted with QQ vs. AQ so I was a contender) - and a salvageable 18th in a 227 player turbo.

I'm not saying all the last few weeks I've spent at chess has anything to do with this sudden streak at poker. I got lucky and unlucky these games, but I seemed to get a 6th sense for repopping and timing my steals right - I rarely limped after the first hr, and stole enough blinds to stay ahead when it came time to win a pot. And when I played I was fearless.

It just has always seemed to me that I am depressed if I don't excel at something, and while I don't exactly excel at writing, or chess, or poker, the attempts in recent weeks to refocus brainpower on one or two tasks may have paid off - maybe I undid some of the alcohol damage from years ago - LOL. Rewired a few neurons to take a couple shorter paths again.

There's not a day I don't get a slight pain in my chest somewhere and wonder if it's anxiety or a heart attack. There's not a day I don't want to run back to the mountains, move up out of the sight of man and woman, and figure if I'm gonna be alone and lonely and aloof, at least I can do it in a place more scenic then a Minneapolis house that's twice as big as I need.

There's not a day I don't look in the mirror and realize I've crossed the line from young to middle aged - or maybe middle aged for me at least - :)

three cashes in a row - I should feel proud - (even though I essentially folded my way into the third one - thank you turbo blinds) -

but I feel like I wasted my whole day - and ergo, my whole life -

Maybe I'm just too paranoid every day is going to be my last.

rb