this has been a bad week -

it's no secret that even since I put this album recording hobby to the forefront that poker has suffered - or to be more blunt, I am cursed - never to win again, hook up with a girl, or even find crap the first time I look for it till this is done - at which point absolutely nothing will have changed and then i can blame my failures on something else.

But what's a mystery is how I can be a loser and still go to Canterbury on pocket AA tuesday and not be a bigger loser - it started innocently enough, with about 10BB dropped right off the bat when my 77 flopped a QQ7 board - but the BB had Q7 - nice -

a couple more hands like that, my KK not being strong enough, and I'm down 20bb - take a bathroom break, come back, and 5 hands flew by without my being there and I'm SB again - so an hr into an 8 hr day and 20BB down, I say fuck it - pack up my chips after only playing an hr, and take the last $60 of my buyin outta there -

on my way home, I catch the freeway exit, which these days has a homeless guy - doesn't matter which exit - there is a panhandler there with a sign at every one - he had one today that said "Homeless Vet" and he gave me that look - probably cause I had the army jacket and would understand.

Nope - all I did was drive on past and take my $65 home and blow it on what the hell ever - of course, the fact his sign said "vet" could be untrue, and yet we will see a serious influx of homeless and military personnel - wonder if I'll be able to drive by them all with my money safe and secure in my pocket - almost died of shame when I made that turn past -

I'm tired of being made to feel guilty for success and I'm tired of turning away from those who aren't as fortunate and really tired of having those more fortunate then I paraded on the TV screen 24/7 lifestyles of the rich and famous assholes that feed the diet of low-demoninator Television.

mostly, I'm just tired - where is Spring?

rb