ok...uber-rant time - ah....peaceful nights...

Ok, so I have written a bunch of stuff this week - all deleted - usually within 10 min. of posting it -

and then I take it down and put it in a txt file for later distribution - then I delete that too - I don't know why - it's not like it was bad stuff (wasn't poker, but then nothing is lately...) - but if I've had a few, or a lot, I just don't like reading what I posted the next day, so I let the ol' self-censorship take over...

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you want poker content? - Ok, you get poker content - I took 3rd in a 45 player SNG earlier this week - (I actually like the turbo ones on Pokerstars - won one of the other two I played this week, and that's about 120 bucks on 24 investment) -

I then got to go back a day or two later and relive the joy again as I pulled up the hand histories and tried to see WTF I did, since I was completely wiped and while I remember the game/hands - some of the logic (like pushing all in with AQ on a KJx board) escapes me - I remember seeing something and being SURE I could beat him - wonder if I'd feel the same way if that move failed...If there had been a camera on me that night, it'd have made for some good footage...

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sometimes I wonder why I live (or try to live) so fast - I think part of it stems from the fact that I've never seen myself getting old - I don't see me at 80, rugrat grandchildren crawling all over - for some reason, ever since I was a boy, I've suspected that my death would be remarkably early in life....(remarkable only in the sense that most of the men in my family have a genetic leg up and live till 90)

this isn't some depressing suicide rant -...LOL - (christ, please don't email me) - just a feeling that I wasn't meant to be in this world that long, and that for whatever reason, I see it ending violently - like getting sucked thru a plane engine or something (don't laugh - I know a friend who had that happen to a guy) - of course, that hasn't stopped me from dumping into the 401K pretty heavy just to be safe.

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I've had a lot of old memories come back this week, and a lot of familiar things seem less so recently - I'm actually quite surprised - I've always had a good memory, but it needs a trigger to remind me of stuff - I had a lot of triggers this week - even Hugh Hefner's playboy mansion reminded me of stuff I hadn't seen for years...

I also realized when I have my own place, I need a room painted deep, dark violet...with a 17th century coastal white wood for the corners -

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I sorta wish there was another Poker Blogger Tourney coming up - I need a good excuse to go back to Vegas....the old excuse of going just to go ain't cutting it, but then, the Bankroll is still shot - still playing on the measly $100 in Pokerstars - (I had to loan money this week, so I'm dead broke till the end of the month....hello credit card...LOL)

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I once wrote that I don't believe in reincarnation - but if I did, I still wouldn't believe in it - I am not the sum of a dozen other individuals who were born ages past - I didn't come from Patton or a Japanese Geisha - I pulled this life out of cacti and flute music, out of soil and distortion and waves of goddamn noise and sound, not from someone else or their experiences - I pulled this life out of the air

and this is my whatever (soul, spirit, chakra - I dunno) - not part of anyone else's from days past - - at least that's what I would say if I believed in reincarnation, which I don't....

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been reading Asia K's last post again tonight - it makes me sad cause when I was a new college student, I was at BIBLE school, and all those lovely 20 yr. old experiences every young person should experience, I missed and sang "In my life, Lord, be glorified" about 10,000 fucking times... - I wonder if he just tunes those songs out till the end - I had a friend who wrote a great song once called "God Plays Piano" - and the jest is God just hangs out tinkering on the piano down the hall till everyone who's spirituality depends on reciting memorized words and bland worship tunes goes away - then he comes back out and hangs around the church...

I will never get that experience of being a teenager in love (though I probably burned as badly as one the first time I fell in love) - and that's kind of a bummer - I'll never fall asleep with two other roommates, trying to keep as quiet as possible for them...LOL -

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for some reason, I dreamed I found a baby last night - I didn't take good care of him - I don't think he ever crapped his pants though, so at least he didn't stink in it - I just wasn't a good whatever, finder of babies, I guess....

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and today's addiction is movie trivia - when I get bored, I go to www.imdb.com and I read the trivia of movies I like - pretty cool - did you know Angelina Jolie went from a C cup to a D cup for the first Tomb Raider movie? - but by the 2nd one, they cut her back down to size - LOL.

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I could make some stuff up, but it's a 4 day work week....there will be other things coming back later - memories - games - risks - rolls of the dice - no point in blowing it all right now...

RB