as may or may not be apparent, I have spent the last few days on a sorta slide back into the days of whiskey and all day drinking - I had 5 or 6 days off and I let myself go totally for a couple of them, but due to my spacing drinks out, was able to fight the massive hangovers I used to get. - but that "Once a week" pattern I was getting into is down the toilet. I actually bought bottles for home which I really haven't done in months, since for me drinking was a social activity - I went out to see people and drank then.

part of the reason I don't like drinking at home is because I want to go out and see people, but that hasn't been a problem the last couple days with this town being colder then a witch's tittie -

now I'm trying to get back on the wagon, and I'm sadder then hell - someone on my alcoholism forum said this is technically a grieving process - You're losing something you love, and it makes you sad....but then you find yourself going back to it a lot.

I regret the first night I ever got seriously drunk. (I remember it too - gold schlagger at Lee's) - I regret the friends who encouraged me to drink after never doing it for 29 yrs....(in fact, I wasn't a drinker when I picked the name whiskeytown, I don't think) - and I regret letting it get to a point where it has become dear to me. I hate how I can walk thru a casino and not overspend, or I can turn down weed and cigarettes, but I can't get rid of this demon. And I hate trying to quit all the time and telling people I quit and then seeing their faces when they realize I fell off the wagon or started up again. And I hate how when I quit I get all morose for a few days like someone died on me - it's the grieving process and I don't want it.

and I hate the holidays and I hate winter....I just want them all to go away and leave me on the edge of lake Calhoun on a partly cloudy day and a warm wind watching people sail.

yah....I would think it's safe to say that this is offically a bad day :(