took 2nd in a tourney last night....won $1700....yah... - I'll be writing something about it on 2+2 later this week -

but I'm still in a foul mood beyond compare....I have to go play a gig in an hour. There will be people there I want to see...probably none I don't - but I just don't want to go see them.

One of my biggest issues 18 months ago when all my problems started was I wanted to get away from people....people said no, come live with us instead - and basically I got forced into living situations I didn't want to be in - when I left, I gained a small measure of happiness and have never seen a couple of those friends since. I drove those friends away somewhat deliberatly by boozing it up a lot - they didn't approve, being good Christians and all...LOL

I have picked up the most rabid anti social behavior lately. I don't want to leave my room...If I do, I don't want to be around people, so I start drinking to deal with it - or if I don't want to and I'm too bored, I start drinking in my apt. - I skip Canterbury and instead go online where it's just LOL and not elbow bumping....If I went to a bar to drink, I did it with a book so I wouldn't have to socialize with anyone...

I basically broke up with the last GF because she invited me over for a movie and I freaked out cause I didn't wanna say no, but I didn't wanna be around her so I broke up with her...then I swing the other way and I get lonely - but even around people, I'm lonely so WTF should I care... trying to patch things up with her now, but maybe it's best for her if I just go crawl back into the hole and wait around to die...ya know.

and I have the damnest premonition - that I'm not going to get old (at least not in the yrs sense) - I've already turned totally grey at 31....that's not all biological - that's life beating me down...

just not sure how to fix it yet...

RB