it's Sat...I'm still at work for 7 more hrs before I lose contact with the world in the wilds of Montana. - so I won't sign off yet.

I'm taking a shitload of poker books to read - I tried to snag Small Stakes Holdem, but it's not distributed in Minneapolis yet...so It'll have to wait. It is in TRANSIT according to Borders...ah well. It's a 22 hr train ride, and I expect to only be able to sleep for about 4 of them - I'll take my earplugs from the practice space...I bet that'll help a bit. but I'll do what I can. I'm taking a pillow and my army jacket (best blanket I have) - I've done this before...it can get cold on there at night. I don't relish being in a public place full of people for 24 hrs straight. I have a bad habit of slipping into tears at some point during the day....maybe I'll take a long bathroom break.

So what else am I taking? - Well, after my wonderful victory on Pokerstars, I WANTED to buy an Ipod, but I need the money for wages I'll lose this week - so I bought a CD player for 60 bucks that can read a burned disk of MP3's - that's about 12 albums per disk, and I'm taking back about 5 of them....fewest amount of disks I ever took back...LOL

won 40 bucks in a 3/6 game over 2 hrs after the tourney - on Pokerstars no less - I think I've been making a mistake in picking the games with the biggest pots on Party/Intertops - I don't like that much variance, so I'll stick with Pokerstars a while and see what happens.

I SUPPOSE that's positive +EV at about 4 BB/hr -

:( - I feel down today...almost came to tears twice - of course, that tends to be normal...esp. after listening to irish music and after 10 days of not drinking. I thought maybe it would improve, but I'm not sure it ever will without something chemical to kick the mood back up. - I think I need to get a new prescription for something - something I can take without alcohol to keep me from going ballistic - I suppose my obscene drinking didn't help the stuff last time.

I don't understand how I can feel so homeless all the time. I mean, I am GOING home....but to me it feels like it's gonna be tough...my desire to isolate myself from humanity lately is sorta put to the test with 12 solid days with the family. - this will also be the longest I've been from Minneapolis since about 2 yrs ago when I took my vacation after Krista took off.

just typing her name makes me miss her.....here I am wondering about patching things up with a former ex, and the one before her comes into my head and I totally forget about the newer one.

It's funny....where I was 2 yrs ago, and where I am now. - It's like I took a massive 180 degree drive over the fucking cliff from where I could have been had a couple other choices gone better for me. - Like Ashton Kutchner in tha that movie Butterfly Effect, i can trace a whole shitload of grief to one or two things but I can't go back and change them.

ah well - can't change a fucking thing about it now.....

speaking of which...I saw the directors cut as opposed to the theatrical version....holy shit...what a dark ending - extraordinarily happy, and yet extraordinarily sad - fuck...

I listen to this song all the time now.....it's a good one...a good one to end this post with. - Kate said she wrote it when she needed a lullibye

guess I'll do some work now...I'm gonna miss having this thing around - maybe I'll write manually and type it back in when I get back. -

RB

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Sleepless Sailor, by Kate Rusby

I once was a sailor, a young man and brave
Da da dum day, da da dum dee
My nights were once sleepless,
and peace I would crave
Carry me home to the sea

Da da dum day, da da dum dee
Drift away sailor boys on the deep sea
Worry no more for you're safe now with me
Rest in my arms and my sweet melody

One night as I'm stood on the deck in the rain
Da da dum day, da da dum dee
I heard a sweet voice and she's singing my name
Carry me home to the sea

Da da dum day, da da dum dee
Drift away sailor boys on the deep sea
Worry no more for you're safe now with me
Rest in my arms and my sweet melody

Oh rock me so gently now ocean so deep
Da da dum day, da da dum dee
I wish I was back, cause I think I can't sleep
Carry me home to the sea

Da da dum day, da da dum dee
Drift away sailor boys on the deep sea
Worry no more for you're safe now with me
Rest in my arms and my sweet melody