Saturday, April 10, 2004

I was bummed last night - got horribly toasted - and after busting out of a 3 buck satellite, signed up for a $25 sit and go tourney - I took 2nd and won $67

problem is...I don't remember doing it - my memory is not clear after signing up - while some would say this is a good sign of my talent as a poker player, I would say I'm a lucky dumbass...I'm not even sure if I have money in my account or not, actually -

this has come to the point where I say enough...for months I've been trying to drink in moderation, or try the AA approach and that left me cold -
Now I've found something different called SMART Recovery - I'm going to give that a shot - it's more psychology, less "depend solely on god" - and none of the 12 step stuff that feels like brainwashing to me - AA meetings really haven't worked for me - (they would argue that I'm not doing it right, or not getting go and letting God - much like my Christian friends used to say about my depression...assholes)

I'll still keep the name whiskeytown's a cool band period...:) -

after work here (in about 90 min) I'll go home, and read the tourney history - try to figure out what the hell I did and how I won...was I a fool? - I know it was a speedy one, but I don't remember a damn thing, including the hand I busted out on...

that's what scares me the most - I've never really "blacked out" per se - I woke up where I expected to, and when, and came to work - but I don't remember the last 60 minutes of my night - after my last drink but before then end of the tourney -

this is gonna be tough....tougher then learning how to play poker well - I need to come up with lots of "coping activities" - these are pretty self explainatory - activities you do to keep yourself from cutting, killing yourself, or drinking -

these days, my entire life feels like one big fucking blur of coping activity to coping activity - but I guess I'll do what I can.

I don't want to drink anymore...I really don't - I know in a couple days I'll get some cravings again - but for now I want this to end.



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