Monday, November 29, 2004

FeliciaLee and I had a chat the other day....she made the comment that my blog was "honest" - no problems there....I totally agree

but it's made me's funny, - now that I think about it, I may be the only losing poker player in the online world (down a thousand bucks) - one wonders - how EVERYONE can be winning but me...LOL - surely I cannot be financing the bankrolls of every online blogger/player by myself -

to be sure, some of it is rubbish - I think a lot of it may be people are deluded - I remember getting my 2001 records from Pokerstars - withdrawls and deposits, and was stunned to see I had dropped almost $2000 at the site that yr. - you remember the $500 withdrawls and the $1500 tourney win, but never the endless barrage of $100 deposits you make

I would be curious to see the records of every player who says he's a winning player - no records=possibly not true. I remember a documentary one time talking about a pyramid scheme of some sort - and how everyone on it was bragging on how well the products were selling because they didn't want to look like losers to the other people in the scheme - so you had a mass lie being delivered by individuals who didn't want to look like losers and so forth...wonder if it's like that with poker.

on a non poker related topic - I watched "Love Actually" last night...I am a sucker for British romantic comedies (probably because they have English Girls in them with the hot accents) - and got thru it without crying till the very end when the 10 year old told that one girl he loved her....then I had one tear - just one....

translation: - I am a wuss....a big sappy wuss.

Sunday, November 28, 2004

I've been thinking....

given a choice between being the World Series of Poker champ, and being the World Heavyweight Champ in boxing,

I think I'd rather be the champ in boxing - for one, you get to sleep with prettier women - (Robin Givens, anyone?) - when you're not getting trumped up on rape charges, that is....

but more then that, you don't have thousands of young punks talking trash behind you on newsgroups - to them, you're just the champ...none of that "he got lucky and he's a hack" shit.

- and they don't meet up with you to "take their shot" at you, cause that would be so fucking stupid - at least that's what I think their last thought would be as fragments of nose and teeth imbed themselves into their brain. When you're a WSOP champ, everyone wants to make a move...a dangerous bluff to get you to muck and say "I bluffed a world champ" -

but I'm too scrawny to be a boxing champ, so it's back to the poker tourneys for me - I think I'll work on those this week - still got $200 in the PS account to play with.


Saturday, November 27, 2004

I think dreams must be what amnesia feels like

Friday, November 26, 2004

Ah....Friday Night Work Rant....where would we be without you.

Well - I got the haircut - and I get to have the coloring issues again - to color or not to color - you see, at 32, I have almost 60 percent grey hair, and when I look in the mirror, I look so goddamn old I can't stand it -

I don't think I'll meet a nice girl in her 20's who will talk to me with grey hair (though I haven't been meeting those lately since the band stopped gigging and since I stopped drinking EVERY time I was in public) - so I usually go do the Just for Men thing somewhere down the line - try to cover it up a bit - but it's so short it grows quickly out - I'll have to take a poll on 2+2 in the other topics forum...LOL - women are of varied opinions on the subject - but until I get back to a fighting weight of 200 pounds, it's probably irrelevant.

It's sorta vanity, but after 32 yrs, I've earned the right to be a bit vain - I was super for 25 and then grunge for 5, so damnit, I've saved up vanity for a hell of a long time -

Obscenely quiet night at work - only phonecalls are from late coworkers....what, you woke me up for THAT??? - my sleep schedule is all whacko due to the Doyle Poker Tour of this early week - so I don't want busy fires tonight. I'm still brainfried - I did play some limit 3/6 this afternoon at Doylesroom and found it VERY easy to amass the VP's quicker then I did, but my risk was higher too - I was down $150 before hitting a lucky river once and flopping the nut flush the 2nd time and getting raised/reraised twice on the turn...:D - when I only wanted to invest $200 to start with, my decision to keep my limits small are good.

After 4-5 yrs...I should be better at poker then I am I shouldn't be down $2000 in limit raked/tourney games this year - NL is one thing, but I've played Limit longer and I should be better at it - at least as good as I am in NL - I can point to a number of factors that have hurt my play in recent yrs.

1. - A strong tendancy to play over my bankroll - half my poker losses this yr. were in games I didn't have the BR for, frankly.

2. - I am a rock - Tight-Passive - (even rated as such in pokertracker) - I need to raise and bet more and call less - my preflop selection is excellent, but postflop, I'm just gliding to the river when I should be sprinting and raising. I hope SSHE corrects this a bit, and I've found since getting the job that pays well, that I don't mind losing $100-200 a night at Canterbury if I KNOW I'm playing right - whereas before I was a bit more scared money.

3. spent the first 6 months playing drunk a lot - that's not cool.

4. It wasn't a priority - to me, NL and Tourneys were a priority - I'm up in those for the yr....(of course, half of my NL ring game stuff this yr. was Doyle's challenge...LOL) - but at the cost of limit games.

5. An inability to focus well on shit I'm reading - esp. Poker books - I tend to skim, pass over stuff, not be able to focus - I have NEVER read a complete chapter in Supersystem, probably not in HEFAP, and in half my books - so what can ya do - I have a short attention span....obscenely short - or else it's the opposite and I lock in like a lovesick stalker as I did this week with the 10000 Action Points on Tuesday, where I just kept saying "One More Hour"

so I'll end the spreadsheet this yr. no matter what the result is, and start a new one for next yr. and start at 0 bucks....fresh start for 2005 -

Rant off


Thursday, November 25, 2004

I'm a horrible person tonight....

as I have probably said before, I had a big falling out with a few friends and one in particular about 18 months ago...I drank too much for his tastes, (or rather, he wanted to quit my band, and I suspect that was his excuse for doing so) - but I did puke on his curtains two yrs ago at Thanksgiving, so some of it is valid.

in any case, this man, (who once threw up out my truck window when I drove him home and had to pick up and save from a DUI charge) threw his stones and I never spoke to him since that time.

So I have thanksgiving with a mutual friend today...and he mentions that he left a game the two of them were playing on Tues, cause he was getting too drunk, and I mention, well, yah, he did drink a lot - almost as much as I was - but more spread out..

and my friend goes "No, he quit for almost a yr. and a half" - and I show a bit of surprise, but then after a few seconds, a light goes off and I ask "DUI?" -

guess that's what it was - DUI - busted in his driveway of all things after making it home - and he's had a hard time since for other reasons going self-employed for awhile didn't work and he is now working two jobs to get back out of debt and stuff...

and I wanna take this guy who I took a hell of a knife from at the worst time, and I wanna laugh and rejoice and throw stones back....but I guess I won't. - guess aside from this post, I'll forget I ever heard about it....and Lord knows I deserved more then a DUI a couple times.

Guess that's something to be thankful for, but I've got something else...I'm thankful for a job...a real one with a real wage with a real vacation time and real benefits - I don't have much....but I got that one thing at least... - some people are angry they didn't get it, and seem to be destined to be as miserable to me as they can between now and the time they quit, but I can be thankful about it.


well, I only lasted a day on the poker...LOL - playing 3/6 limit - trying to revive the WTPT and wipe out $1000 in debt in what, 5 weeks now? - Christ...

ah well....maybe next yr..;)


Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Book Review - Poker Face, by Katy Lederer

let's say 4 out of 5 stars...that's a good way to rank.

I saw a review for this somewhere else, remembered it, and picked it up with a copy of the Biggest Game in Town for nice easy reading when I got sick of poker tomes about pot odds...

Katy's book is about growing up in the Lederer family. I found it to be very similar to Frank McCourt's "Angela's Ashes" in the way it flows - children growing up and leaving a household that wasn't 100 percent functional for the Promised Land. And as the first one (Howard) makes his way in the world, he brings the next sibling and so on and like the McCourts, eventually the Mom ends up joining the family in the new world.

The book is broken into two parts....the first part is what it's like to be a child in the family in New England. - we don't see the famous Professor or TOC winners, but the brother who marks liquor bottles to see if anyone had been drinking, or the sister sneaking thru Mom's purse for a few bucks.

You get a hinted glimpse of issues within the family (without going into too much detail, she implies drug and psychological issues) and her own as her world slowly moves away from a Prep School Teacher's daughter into a strange place where $100 bills lie around in brown bags. To us, the idea of Howard Lederer being a professional gambler is a given, but here you see what his father thought of it so many yrs. ago in NYC.

Part II deals with her college yrs, and what would be an aborted attempt at following in the poker Footsteps of her more famous brother and sister. This part of the book will probably be the most interesting to the 2+2 crowd. Luckily for us, she wasn't as successful as they were and stayed on the writer's path instead.

I went thru this in almost one afternoon, and for what it is (basically a family memoir about famous people we know and even post on here sometimes...), it's pretty good. And in my case, I like poker stories, but I get sick of poker books - this is sorta half poker and half personal, and well, heck...I liked it.

My only negative thought initially was it airs a lot of dirty laundry, and as she says in the foreward, her memories of how certain things happened are not shared by other family members....but it brings up the good times too - so in the all balances out - I would be curious what Annie or Howard think of it, but I'm not gonna ask...

carry on.



I have earned 10000 AP's from Doyle's room and I expect Supersystem 2 to be showing up on my door any day now.

25 hours - 2267 hands doing two tabling NL holdem - usually .25/.50 or .10/20 - I only had $200 so I couldn't play much higher without the swings...once I got to the $550 mark or so I started playing .50/$1 -

net profit of said venture - $400 - was $500 but the last 2000 points I took a kick in the balls twice from the 2nd worst hand on the river.... - but hey....that's still $400 profit.

Withdrew that for redistribution (I don't like leaving over $200 in some of those sites that I don't know well, esp. since Doyle's endorsement didn't save another online site) and keeping $200 in there since it's a decent game and all.

This book had BETTER be worth I'm going to go walk outside in the freezing cold - rent movies... get drunk and vomit - ANYTHING but play poker.

my biggest pokertracker stats, but hey...what can ya do...the site don't got no hand histories.

and honestly, I'm a bit happy to see I'm not a complete dunderhead at this game. It's painfully obvious to me looking at my spreadsheet that my limit game needs a lot of work (not a ton...I'm only losing 1BB/hr, sometimes less) - but I am losing.

but my NL/NL tourney games seems to be on. -

oh..I want chicken lo mein so bad now....must call the Chinese place and reserve my order - later


Tuesday, November 23, 2004

my drinking habits of late are pretty restraained - I've been having some about one night a week for the last 3 weeks - always around others (not drinking alone) - and so far, I'm feeling I might do so tonight- at the least, I'm going to go see a friend's band. - so I'm cool.

This Doyle's Room Action Point quest is the same thing as drinking was (or is, depending on the circumstances) keep thinking "one more" but it's hours instead of drinks - by the time this is done, I could be from $200 to $400 over 2700 hands playing at best, .25/.50 NL holdem - not bad...

but it's a long damn haul....holy this is what playing for a living feels like....crud. Long grinding hrs...

The BIGGEST downside is that pokertracker doesn't cover Doyle's Room (Victory poker skins don't have hand histories) - so I won't get any serious analysis of my play


here's a couple good stories - from my 2+2 posts -

playing .25/.50 NL on Doyle's Room to clear the bonus for Supersystem 2 -

I call a small raise in the BB with 7 7 - 8 bucks in pot.. - looser preflop requirements becaue Action points come from money put in pot, not in number of hands played -

flop comes Ts Ad 8c - I check and next player makes it 2 bucks...but instead of mucking after 2 callers, I reraise because I was dinking around on an email screen when the window popped up on me- everyone's in for 4 bucks as they call the mini reraise.

Turn - 9c - as you might expect, my checkraise on the flop bought me a free card on the turn with my open ended draw.

River - 6h - I bet $8, one caller.

Main pot : $40.14 - whiskeytown wins $40.14 with Straight T9876


2nd hand - Doyle's room again...I'm folding laundry and rush back to see QQ in the SB - I make it 4 bucks and get one call

flop A84 - I bet $4, he calls -

Turn a Q - I have 3 Q's - I bet $4, he calls

River a rag, but it makes a 3rd heart - I bet $4, he calls.

then I see I don't have QQ, but Q6 - I misread my hand!!! -

but it's good - I take down a $32 pot with Q's, no kicker.

good thing it was 2 different tables....otherwise I'd never get any respect for my bets now.


Monday, November 22, 2004


playing dime/quarter holdem for action points (which you get for money you put into the pot, not hands played)

now that's grinding....Doyle's book better be worth it.

another funny thing about Doyle's room (which is a skin of platinum/victory poker) - table names are taken from players' profile question of what your fav. movie is,

so there is a Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon table on there now...LOL


Sunday, November 21, 2004

hmmmm...1466 poings in approx. 3.5 hrs - 1300 in NL games and 100 in a tourney

and to top it all off, I actually made $100...LOL - 1/6th of the way to Supersystem2


I'm gonna try to ween myself off another substance....

for the last month, I've been popping excedrin and ibuprofin like water - tension headaches, I guess - I'm gonna try reducing my tension instead....that'll work.

you know, I leave work in 20 min...and truth be known, I REALLY feel like going home, putting $200 into Doyle's Room, and earning the action points needed to get myself Super System 2....

that would be a good way to spend a Sunday....that and surfing for fetish porn.


Saturday, November 20, 2004

no updates worth mentioning - we got overworked this week, so the rant is cancelled - played nickel/dime NL just for the hell of it.

I feel like getting rid of the futon, getting my old twin bed out of a friend's garage, and not getting out of it for a month....turn the TV on it's side so I can watch it while lying down, and just tell the world to fuck off..


Wednesday, November 17, 2004

so it's 920 am, and I'm sitting in my chair playing nickel/dime NL on Pokerstars (I have $200 in tourney dollars, but only 7 in real money...LOL) - and I turn around because I think I smell my pizza burning - but I'm not cooking one... a couple more hands...catch a whiff of it again...strange.. then the fire alarm goes off....

I usually ignore it, but this time, I sorta had that spider sense (like when you know you're up against A's) - and I bailed on my 8 buck NL table and went outside..

the smoke was from the trash compactor almost directly under my apt...(off by a few feet, but almost under me...someone put a smoke bomb in there or something and it went off when they started it...bad prank.

but nice to know the instincts are still sharp...and that I have most my stuff.


oh ow....

I went bowling for a friend on Mon. night (filling in for a missing person on her league) - and did 3 games.

36 hrs. later, every muscle in the top of my legs hurt so much I have to use my arms to lower myself into a chair. I have muscles in my ass that are sore...

I had no idea there were muscles in my ass or that they could be worked by bowling...madre phuckre....



Monday, November 15, 2004

oh yah...unregistering....that was a good idea -

crashed from 3pm till Midnight - signed up for a 2am $11 tourney - we'll see how it goes. 45 pays, and I'm 46th out of 110 left....

I've put 200 into neteller - not sure where to put it yet...Hate Party/Empire skins (they seem to leak system resounces on this box for some reason...) - could do Doyle's room and get Supersystem2 - would LIKE to turn it into an exclusive NL game account, and UB is the best for NL - so maybe there...

but otherwise, not much else going on....chilling...


Sunday, November 14, 2004

well, this is it - about one week on the new sobrity wagon as of this afternoon - man, this is tough sometimes.

for some reason (probably cause I just got paid) - I took 39 out of $45 of my last Pokerstars dollars and entered a sat. tourney for the $215 and made it again. I'll probably die of exhaustion before getting to the final table - but hey...whatever works. I'll play it - I haven't made a PS deposit since Aug. and took out 1500 in the meantime, so to redeposit $200 won't kill me if I don't make it-

I am 0 for 5 in those tourneys this yr. (in fact, it looks like I'm only 1 for 10 in tourneys over $100 this yr.) - there is something in my brain that seems to want to play faster in a 2500 chip tourney....gotta be extra tight the first couple hrs, I think.

but I dunno...actually, I feel pretty wiped....ya know.....maybe I won't play it - keep teh $215 for tourneys tonight...I dunno.

I'll cash out and see how I feel in 45 min.


Friday, November 12, 2004

the weekly update of blathering and gibberish now commencing -

not a lot of poker again - for some reason, I got a stick up my ass to play Jedi Outcast (an old Lucasarts game from 2002 that I bought but never installed) - that's sorta cool...running with a lightsaber, kicking ass - sorta takes tension out of life - I think everyone should own a lightsaber.

meeting up with a girl I dated briefly real early this all honesty, my reconnection with her was over a drunk email, but lately, I've been so goddamn bored/lonely that I just don't give a rats ass...even if we just hang out and have fun, that's cool.

The last couple days, I've been wanting to listen to the Drive By Truckers - their new album, "the Dirty South" has been out of my Cd player in favor of the last one from 2003, but I gave it a good listen to recently. Lots of stories about people doing bad things they don't really want to do but feel they have no choice. and what's worse, it really puts a stick up my ass to try writing some new songs - but those are more precious then gold around here.

I forget my roots and life sometimes. I feel a bit guilty for making a high 5 figures in my current job, but then I remember the years of 7 bucks/hr and the 79 Toyota and eating tatertots for 3 days cause I only had 5 bucks for food. I also forget the obscene amount of work I did to get my knowledge level up to the point I could get a job in this field, but I'm not that far from the guys in those songs - (still lucky I got a job after 5 months unemployment, but then, I guess I am one of the smartest people I know....LOL - )

Strange...looking at my life 7 yrs ago...the band I was in, the direction I was headed - hanging with friends I don't speak to anymore - I am so fucking far off track from where I should have been, but I'm not entirely sure it's not somewhat self inflicted - I never really wanted a bland normal life - that's part of the reason I liked poker and part of the reason I dislike it now - I hate being part of a fad, even if I was two yrs. ahead of the curve.

and in any case, the band is on hiatus for now, so it don't matter. I could write the world's greatest record and keel over next week and no one would hear it...but I wish I had the passion for it the way I used to - the creativity...

don't think I'm gonna be going back to the violin for awhile.


Tuesday, November 09, 2004

was at Canterbury for pocket A' tuesday (lose with em, get 75 bucks) - I dropped 120 in 2 hrs...and this incredible chump was in seat 8 and total newbie was in seat 9 and both were to my immediate right.

I left- why? - headache - I came home, lasted a bit and finally slept for 6 hrs at 5pm. during my sleep, I had a very stressful dream and was woken up by chest pain.

I've been getting that a lot lately, always from high stress situations. - just a small discomfort or stabbing feeling just to the left of where my heart would be - not the crushing kind of heart attack sufferers - and lately I've been overstressed to the max...

first time a bad dream ever brought it on though.


ach....slept 11hrs today...woke up at 10pm - missed violin practice - (gotta call and postpone that for a few weeks - between alcohol abuse and depression, I'm just not doing shit right now for practice) - but I did actually get Laundry down.

it's 1am - I think I'm gonna take a radio up to the exercise room and spend an hr. on the treadmill (walking, not running) - get done, go to Perkins and chow down on the French dip, and then MAYBE go to Canterbury. - at this point, I don't expect to sleep before 6pm, and the 8 hrs. of pocket A tues. are really profitable - place is full of loose people who are just trying to get AA -

it's not my fav. thing to do with 10 hrs...but I'm really trying to find something to keep my brain going and my exercise working - see what we can do.

that $440 loss from the Sun. tourney (probably a result of manic behavior signing up for it in the first place) puts me back in the $1300 losses category for the yr....and then I go and win a seat for the WPT freeroll - I cashed it out - don't know yet if I wanna get home, sleep for 6 hrs. and then play a 7 hr. tourney - but I like accumilating FPP for future challenges.

some discussion on 2+2 - I posted the Canterbury bust out hand...surprised how many people thought I should have folded or cold called - a cold call is out of the question - because no matter what the flop, I have to go all in if she bets, because, well, I'll be over 50 percent committed to the pot -

and given that I knew she was a good player (and therefore, prone to steal blinds) - I thought the all in with A5 was the best move - and it was the best hand....just not the best of flops :) -


Sunday, November 07, 2004

I entered the Canterbury $400 today -

got to 18 players (9 pays) and got raised by Claudia who is pretty good....but that also means she can steal blinds well -

I had 1K in as the blind and only 6K left with A5 so I go all in - she called with KQ and flopped it - what can ya do...

surprised I coughed up $400.


Saturday, November 06, 2004

45 more min. and I'm done with work for 5 days....I am rescinding my desire to go outside and stay sober for the week....but not exactly the one that lets me stay awake in the days.

I don't plan on breaking it specifically, but I'm tired of letting people down, including to have no hope and be pleasantly surprised then hopeful and let down (which pretty much describes how I've met every gf. I've ever had, BTW)


Friday, November 05, 2004

I just wrote up a massive diatribe on another site about faith - maybe I'll throw that here since it's Fri., I'm bored, and I have to stay up for 3 more hrs. till work ends.

I'll tell you a bit - I was a pretty strict Bible-believing guy thru the 20's - waiting till marriage for sex, tried not to swear or drink, stuff like that. - Never had that fuzzy warm feeling people who trust God get, but I believed in him.

I sorta took a triple whammy - I had a very special relationship with a woman end (one I thought I would marry), I had a great job end, and I just sorta got hit with mega depression. (first two probably didn't help the third) - drank a lot, cried a lot, prayed a lot - and got jack in answer to those prayers. As a result, I'm a lot less religious then I was, and I don't go thru the motions anymore - but I didn't give up - I just quit trying to find external signs. - In fact, I think you would say I lived my life like those AA guys live (trying to give it all to God) and when it all went to fuck and back, I quit living that way - which is another reason I can never join AA.

But then, I feel more like I am where I should be. I never understood people in churches who thought putting on a happy face when there was so much pain and sorrow in this world. Maybe not in their lives, but I'll be fucked if I'm expected to believe God shows his love to people by helping some 19 yr. old girl find a $20 bill to pay a parking fine so she doesn't have to work overtime when there are millions of kids in the same age group dying/being raped/being exploited/starving/suffering with no answer to their prayers. The stupid 19 yr. old at the Christian college will not convince me of God's love with that.

In fact, I would dare say I would be hard pressed to see signs of God anywhere in the world these days when confronted with the large amount of human misery I've been privy to - maybe it's just me looking at pictures of countries torn apart by war or watching too many third world documentaries, but I don't see God's love in Christians who tell them to "be at peace" and do nothing to aleviate their suffering.

and it never helps that other people of faith often just give you the good ol' platitudes like "if there's distance between you and God, it's not him who's moved" or "Have you tried praying in the 4 part prayer that Father so and so taught in this book...etc, etc) - I have a Christian friend, who's a good friend but I don't speak to anymore because I know all he has is platitudes on what I'm doing wrong - I didn't sin vs. god to be depressed or ask for it - but in the rose colored glasses world, that's all they see.

I guess for me, it's not like I don't have faith, - I want it to be true, I think it's true, I hope it's true, but I just have no external sign or indicator that he's there or is listening in the slightest - and sometimes it's easier to believe he doesn't exist then to believe he does and is ignoring me in my times of deepest need - -

Philip Yancey, in a great book called Disappointment with God - well, - he describes God (well, the bible does) differently then most. We see him as the strict father figure saying don't do this, don't do that or I'll smite you. Instead, the bible seems to describe him as a lonely person who's lover ran off and abandoned him. Not a person in the world who doesn't understand that. There lots of times, God would go on a rant in the bible about how he was gonna smite so and so, and right in the middle he makes this plea like one would make to an ex-wife who cheated on him - "come back to me - I forgive you"

So on one hand, I think all the crap that goes on in this world, the evil makes him as sad as it does us. On the other hand, there's that whole free will think, so politicians are allowed to get fat on the backs of the poor and suffering.

So do I believe in God - would I call myself a Christan? - I guess most church goers would say no. I drink, I gamble, I want to have sex, and I don't go to church on Sun.

But do I hope God is real? - Do I believe it is even though I won't make shit up about how good he's been in my life and how he's made such a difference? - do I want my faith in Christianity to be real? - yes.

so fuck the religious right....I may be judged someday, but it won't be by them.


ah fruck....maybe I'll get Laundry done today or tomorrow - when I get my underground parking stall for the next 6 mos. at my apt. Come to think of it, I need laundry soap and Noxamea.

I see it's gonna be 60 degress on Sat. - that means I HAVE to try to stay up as late as possible and get outside - if I can make it 12 hrs or so after work, then I can can fall asleep at 11pm on Sat. night and HOPEFULLY sleep into morning the next day and be back to normal - then I just do that staying up later every night thing I do until I'm back for the work week.

Actually, those are my two goals for the week -

1. - No drinking - I may start up free as a bird again next week and probably will go out with a coworker Sun. morning for breakfast and a beer after work, but this week, from Sun-Thurs - (and the work week of Thurs-Sat) - no.

2. - slip into days as much as possible - I CANNOT fucking do this "go to bed at 9am, get up at 7pm" and maintain any semblence of sanity - it drives me fucking insane to be inside in the dark. - I have to go outside as much as possible before winter kicks in, and I have to be in the sun as much as I can, and maybe go to coffeeshops....I dunno - do something.

It's no secret the incredible rates of alcoholism and depression in communities way up north where it's dark 5-6 months straight in winter. - I'm periously approaching the same thing, and I just can't take it anymore - I will take some of the money I'm making and spend it frivlously - I will take my laptop to coffeeshops and play video poker on their wireless LAN (well, bad idea - passwords can be sniffed out of the air that way) - - I don't care, but I will NOT spend the next 4 days in a bar, and I will NOT spend them in that apt. - I simply cannot do it.

And I need to put a higher priority on getting laid - just a quick fling :) - I'm way too friggen uptight lately - LOL


Thursday, November 04, 2004

virtually nothing to report on the Poker front this week - I know a guy who tends bar at the Uptown named Marv. who has expressed an interest in going to Canterbury (he plays at Pacific) and I told him I'd give him a call on Mon. and go out there with him for awhile - introduce him to the live game.

Otherwise, not a goddamn thing going on - blew 22 bucks online and won 25 live on Mon. night -

Actually, I am suffering from a tremendously severe lack of motivation to do anything....amongst other things I should be doing but just don't do are the following.

1. - Working hard at the job
2. - Laundry
3. - Violin Practice
4. - showering
5. - cleaning up the apt.
6. - returning movies to the video store
7. - playing poker or any other game.
8. - songwriting
9. - mailing out bills (I make enough money to pay them, but don't put the paper in the envelope and stamp it and ship it out)
10 - opening mail is pretty low on the totem pole these days too.

My total motivation to do anything but lie down on the couch, drink, or veg is totally shot -

I'm good at going to the bar and reading - I'm good at buying new t-shirts instead of wearing old dirty ones (I had to anyways....I need XL shirts - I've outgrown my L ones) - I'm good at crying and lying down - but not much else -

so poker and the WTPT will have to wait a bit.


Tuesday, November 02, 2004

it will be all right.

Truth be known, I do believe, no matter what happens tomorrow....(and in my heart of hearts, I want John Kerry to take it in a landslide) that it will be all right....

we've ousted tyrants before, and we can do so again.


Monday, November 01, 2004

had to cancel violin practice again today - just not ready - thinking of taking some time off and restarting - I seem to lack the focus to do it right now.

I'm also really not playing poker tourneys the way I was...did one $11 at 2am because I was up and it was there, and spent the last 30 min. between 4-6 bets fighting for survival...LOL - Twice I had the worst hand and sucked out. Was shocked to see that was my first tourney in 11 days. Of course, I did do a lot of Canterbury in that time.

is it spring yet? I wanna go back outside and sit in the sun.


It's 6am and I can't really sleep - I've been sleeping on and off the last 24 hrs. with no solid block of more then 3 hrs. asleep.

t has come to my attention that virtually all my human contact outside of work and poker is online anymore - actually, forum based -

Let's see what we got here.. is the poker forum of choice choice. - 1200 posts and counting there as whiskeytown. is the forum for substance abuse - they're a little different then AA - less 12 step and day to day - more of the trying to bust the whole thing with psychology. is the place I go for depression talk. I used to do more of the and, but those are useless....full of trolls and 12 hrs. behind anything I write - Plus, I just hate usenet these days... - I hardly even ever go to anymore.

I'm gonna be like M. - I'm gonna die and no one's gonna know for a fucking month, and no one online is ever gonna know...they're gonna think I got busy or quit or something....that bites.


my god, there are a lot of beer/alcohol commercials on TV -

when you're trying not to drink, you notice it every time...the functionality of the people in them, the need to not escape from the environment they're in.

Seen a Sam Adams one and a Bailey's since this last commercial break started.

ah well.